Ch.146 Ron Feels a Premonition
I don’t believe in premonitions, I’m telling myself. I’ve never had one, either… until this morning. But today, when I came to The Refuge and first saw Pat, I sensed an uncomfortable feeling that began in my gut but then filled my whole being. A thought attended this feeling: Pat will not live more than a couple more weeks. Somebody or something (God? My unconscious brain? Pat?) was urgently preparing me for Pat’s death.
I didn’t want to believe this could be happening, so I walked to Diane’s office. She’s the head nurse at The Refuge. I told her what occurred and asked if she had heard other family members mention such premonitions. “Oh, yes, many times,” she replied. Are they accurate, I asked? Do they really predict the future? “Yes, they often are accurate,” Diane told me. She added that she has been watching Pat steadily losing ground and wouldn’t be surprised if my premonition would come true. It might take more than two or three weeks, but it probably wouldn’t be much longer.
Cathy, the Hospice nurse, and my daughter Jenny met the next day. Independently of any premonition, she too has been following Pat’s descending journey. Cathy recommended discontinuing Pat’s insulin, saying that at this point we needn’t worry about her blood sugar levels. I am relieved because now the staff doesn’t have to give Pat increasingly painful insulin shots a coupe times a day. Cathy also discontinued a few other medicines but increased her pain patch in the name of easing Pat’s pain and suffering.
I don’t know if my premonition will come true. Nor does it matter much. Pat still has a little time to live, whether a few days or weeks, and one of my goals is to help her feel as peaceful as possible during this time. My other goal is to prepare myself both cognitively and emotionally for her death, and surely this premonition is helping me do just that.