This Week's MY NEW LIFE Chapter
My New Life begins on July, 2024, one day after the second anniversary of my wife Pat's death. This unit represents my sense that, although I will always grieve for Pat, I have created/discovered a new and good life as a single man.
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Ch.317: Doing Good and Doing Well
March 2026
We live in a world where people are often accused of doing well at the expense of others. Someone cons “suckers” out of millions of dollars. Another person gossips about his office mate to get a leg up on the next promotion.
We also live in a world that values sacrifice -- giving of oneself tirelessly without thought of reward. The soldier who throws himself onto a grenade to save his buddies, the woman who leaves her home to tirelessly care for her increasingly needy mother.
But there is a third, best option. To do good for others while also doing well for oneself. And that’s why I facilitate support groups (for spouses of residents at a dementia center; families dealing with Huntington’s Disease; for grievers trying to make sense of a different world; and for people with memory loss and their caregivers).
First, the good for others. When Pat had Lewy Body Dementia, and after she died, I attended several support groups, one in St. Paul, MN and the others in Eau Claire and Chippewa Falls, WI. It was a tremendous relief to talk with and listen to people dealing with the same main issues as Pat and I faced. Now I can help others gain that same relief, a place of refuge from the continually howling winds of disease and death, helping them regain a little strength, commitment and determination. I’m glad I don’t get paid for these facilitations (except for the Huntington group); that way I can truly feel that I am giving back to others the gifts I received.
And here’s the “doing well for myself” part of the equation. I love being able to use the skills I have developed over a long counseling career. Helping shy people share their thoughts; making sure everyone gets a turn; creating a place where each participant witnesses the others without judging or advice (unless asked to do so by the speaker); and finding group themes that help the members feel deeply connected. For instance, yesterday in the grief group I realized after the first two individuals talked that loneliness was the underlying theme of this day, the special loneliness/emptiness realization that the person you loved is gone forever. So, loneliness became the theme of the group, each person contributing their own experiences and ways they cope with the emptiness.
Few people relish the opportunity to hang out with men and women in great emotional pain. I’m frequently asked how I can do what I do, as if I were making a painful sacrifice. Yes, sometimes I can feel almost overwhelmed by others’ despair. But, no, it’s not a sacrifice for me but an opportunity to do something I do well and gain satisfaction from it.
I do have one worry. Having watched my beautiful wife gradually lose the ability to help others, I know that at some point in the future I won’t be able to be a facilitator. My words will falter; my thinking will slow down; my creativity will vanish; or maybe my body will just become too weak to drive to the meeting places. My ability to play this role cannot last indefinitely. I will have to leave the stage. I hope to do so gracefully, meaning that I will be the one to walk off (to applause? –that would be nice) instead of others having to drag me away.
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