Ch.111 Pat and I have a Serious Conversation about Death and Loneliness
October 2021
“I will be gone…gone.”
Pat was in a somber mood this afternoon as we visited. She made the above comment without preamble, so I had to guess at her meaning.
“Are you talking about dying?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you want to die?
“No.”
“Are you ready to die?
“Yes.”
I sensed that Pat was concerned about something else, though, in addition to death. Something more immediate. I had to guess again, but I had a hunch what was bothering her.
“Honey, does it hurt you to have to stay here at The Refuge?”
“Yes.”
“It hurts me too. I wish we could be together.”
“So do I.”
This was the second time we’ve had a serious conversation in the last few weeks (See Ch. 108 -- I'm Here at the Refuge to Stay, Aren't I) to review the first discussion). Pat was admitting she felt lonely living apart. I am feeling lonely as well, even though I’ve seen Pat for 2-6 hours every day since she left home to go to the hospital several months ago.
My Collie dog Levi cries when he cannot go somewhere with me. Anywhere, he doesn’t care. He just needs to stay by my side. If he could speak, he’d probably argue that we are a two-person pack and that pack mates always stay together. For safety. For companionship. For love.
Pat and I are a two-person pack. We are supposed to stay together for safety, companionship, and love. We ache for each other when we are apart. And today we cried when we reunited, knowing that we would soon have to part, knowing that we would never again live together.
Pat’s comments on: Pat and I have a Serious Conversation about Death and Loneliness:
I think it’s very thoughtful but may not be totally true [about being a two-person pack].
One thing I find is being over here is a different place. Anyone can come in and it changes everything in our relationship fairly easily. It’s not at all like home. Every day we both wish we could be together, but...