Ch.129 “Ron, You Used to be Funnier.”
I was having a conversation with Jackie, a woman I’ve known for over twenty years. She’s been reading our blog, so we began talking about it. That’s when she told me that I seemed to have lost much of my sense of humor. Of course, just reading the blog chapters is a relatively small sample size of my entire life, but I do agree with Jackie; not only was I more humorous in the past but I was also more carefree. I’ve traded in some of my humor and positive feelings for a portion of sadness and grief. I attribute these changes to living with Lewy Body dementia for the last several years.
I’m not depressed. My appetite is excellent. I’m sleeping as well as my prostate allows. I’m still generally optimistic about life. But I do regularly feel waves of sadness that occur when I think about what Pat is going through, or when Pat smiles at me, or when I write in the blog, or … anytime. They usually don’t last long, though, at least not consciously. If I am with Pat when a sadness wave hits, I try to let it pass through me, as if I were acknowledging an old acquaintance of whom I’m not especially fond.
I’ve seen similar moments of sadness on Pat’s face. There are times when she breaks our connection, her eyes drift away from me, and her face and body seem to collapse a little, as if she were enveloped in grief. Sometimes we talk about these feelings; more often we just hold hands.
My sadness (and, I believe, Pat’s) reflects all that Pat and I have lost to Lewy Body. Rock collecting. Political conversations. Walks. Travel. Professional collaboration. Sleeping in the same bed. Gone.
Let me say this to Jackie. Thank you for reminding me of the more joyous individual I was before the Lewy Body onslaught. Perhaps I will watch a few comedies on Netflix to remember how it feels to laugh freely. But please try to accept me as I am today, less humorous, and sadder. That is who I am.
Pat’s comments on “Ron, You Used to be Funnier.”
Ron: Do you think I am sadder now than I used to be?
Ron: Are you sadder?
Pat: No. I feel more fulfilled. Maybe what’s going on with us will never end.